Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Virginia Tech's Weaver to Compete at the Masters

AUGUSTA, Ga. - Virginia Tech golfer Drew Weaver (Jr., High Point, N.C.) will compete in the 75th annual Masters Tournament, beginning this week at Augusta National Golf Club in Augusta, Ga.

Weaver, the first Hokie ever to play in the event, earned a berth in the Masters Tournament with his victory at the 2007 British Amateur Championship in June at Royal Lytham & St. Annes in Lancashire, England.

The victory in the British Amateur also earned Weaver an exemption in the 2007 British Open Championship at Carnoustie and a four-year exemption into the U.S. Amateur Championship. He was six-over-par at the British Open Championship and missed the cut by two strokes. He advanced out of stroke play at the 2007 U.S. Amateur at the Olympic Club in San Francisco, before falling in the first round of match play.

Tee times and groupings for the event will be announced on Wednesday, April 6. The Masters will be televised on ESPN on Thursday and Friday and on CBS on Saturday and Sunday.

Weaver will be one of three amateurs playing in the Masters, joining U.S. Mid-Amateur Champion Trip Kuehne and U.S. Amateur runner-up Michael Thompson. Colt Knost, titleist at the U.S. Amateur and the U.S. Public Links Amateur, turned professional over the summer and lost his berth in the Masters.

Joining Weaver in the Masters will be former Hokie Johnson Wagner. Wagner, who played at Virginia Tech from 1998-2002, earned his last-minute trip to golf's most prestigious event by winning the Shell Houston Open on April 6. It was Wagner's first-ever PGA Tour victory and the first-ever win by a former Hokie in a PGA Tour event.

Big South Announces Men's Golfer of the Week

CHARLOTTE, N.C. – Liberty senior Parker McKoy (Wake Forest, N.C.) has been selected as the Big South Conference Choice Hotels Men’s Golfer of the Week, it was announced today by the League office.

McKoy tied for fourth out of 100 golfers at the Lacrosse Homes Collegiate Invitational (par 72, 6,761 yards) with a 3-over 147 (70-77). It was his best finish of the season, and he led all golfers entering the second and final round. McKoy and his teammates combated blustery and windy conditions all weekend, including heavy frost to start round two, but still managed to place second out of 19 participating teams for its highest team finish of the year.

Click here to view the 2007-08 Big South Men's Golf Reports.

2007-08 Men's Golfers of the Week
Sept. 21 - Nathan Schenz-Davis, Liberty & Herve Gevers, Charleston Southern
Sept. 27 - Chris Dillow, Radford
Oct. 11 - Jacob Carlsson, Winthrop
Oct. 18 - Kelly Manders, Winthrop
Oct. 25 - Kyle Bailey, Radford
Nov. 1 - Pete Alminas, Winthrop
Nov. 8 - Sam Lyons, Coastal Carolina
Feb. 21 - Kelly Manders, Winthrop & Tripp McAllister, Coastal Carolina
Feb. 28 - Hampton Ballard, Radford
March 14 - Kelvin Day, Charleston Southern
March 20 - Andrew Mespelt, High Point
March 27 - Tripp McAllister, Coastal Carolina
April 3 - Parker McKoy, Liberty